From The Campaign Trail

TrumpHey Lucifer,

You know me…the filthy rich guy running for office. Look, I may be incredibly wealthy, but, deep down, I’m a champion for the ‘little guy.’  Even though I believe their meager wages are still too high, I’m the only candidate creating thousands of jobs, as I’m hiring tons ’em to come and cheer at my campaign rallies! I’m so hot, even Vladimir Putin has called me ‘brilliant and talented’!

So here’s my question, Lucifer. We both know I sold my soul to you after my messy fourth bankruptcy, but, the way I see it, you still owe me. I wanna squeeze every ounce out of our deal. So, give me a valuable tip on how I can increase my already fabulous poll numbers. I need ideas. What am I missing?

“Brash & Brag”


Dear “Gasbag”, (did I get that right?)

Yeah, we both know you’re my kinda guy; someone who’s unafraid to stand up and tell the truth about being a lying s.o.b.

Look, Gas, granted you’re shrewd as hell, I’ll give you that, but cagey and intelligent aren’t the same thing. You really think my boy Putin actually admires you? Ha! Your narcissism is so thick you can’t even see that he’s blowing smoke up your…whatever.

About your campaign… You say you need ideas. I’m not so sure. When something’s working, don’t mess with the formula. I advise all kinds of slippery, disingenuous politicians, but not one of them has been able to pull off your schtick. Who could imagine that being a rude, offensive, bombastic jerk would play so well! You’re a natural at inflaming the public’s fears and raw emotion. That delightfully repugnant style is working, even when you’re proven to be dead wrong. As someone recently quipped about you: “The egg on your face pairs nicely with the hash browns on top of your head.” (Speaking of which… I was wondering if that creature on your pate had been vaccinated.)

But, to your credit, what I’m particularly proud of is how you play to the ‘shadow’ side of a big slice of the population. You’re the oversized mouthpiece for all the racism, misogyny, bigotry and hate swirling around out there. You, my vainglorious friend, are single-handedly stimulating the unconscious ‘dark side’ of the nation. Bravo!

Okay…here’s one tip I’ll offer you to dramatically increase your poll numbers. It’s a proven fact that the stress of the Presidency takes 4 years off of your life. Keep pointing that out and you’ll soon have everyone wanting to vote for you!

Keep this up, Gasbag, and I might even consider selling you your soul back, (assuming you do my bidding once you’re elected!)