Yo Lucifer,

So, I work as a ‘muscle’ for Bubba Bolinski, the local mobster. My girlfriend thinks I deliver pizzas, which gives me the excuse to be out late, making surprise house calls on the douche bags that have gotten on the wrong side of Bubba’s good graces. (Note to self: Don’t ever be late with an extortion payment to Bubba!) Problem is, my girl (I’ll call her ‘Maxine’) is finally starting to question exactly what it is I’m doin’, as I come home at 2 a.m. covered in, what I keep telling her, is pizza sauce. If she knew, she’d grab the stacks of cash in my closet and run for the hills, or worse, the cops! I don’t wanna lose her but she ain’t stoopid. Do I fess up or keep my big yap shut and hope for the best?

Ernie the Enforcer

Dear Ernie,

Let me ask you something… Would you rather deal with her being upset …or Bubba? You claim she ‘ain’t stoopid’ but have you ever asked yourself this? If that’s true, what’s she doing with a complete and utter moron like you? Just sayin’…
No, Ernie, you need to dump her, and quick! ‘I’ll-call-her-Maxine’ sounds like someone encumbered with a conscience, something I’d wager you know precious little about. Find yourself a down and dirty mob girl; one of those chicks that, somehow, find your line of work titillating. More importantly, a girl who’ll ‘have your back’…not one prone to someday metaphorically sticking a carving knife in it.
And Ernie, as you sink deeper into the morass of your slimy ‘career’, here’s something to remember. It’s said ‘a friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who’ll help you move a body’.

Yours, Lucifer