Letters To Lucifer: Dirty Laundry

Note from Jackson: Well, damn… I was hoping I’d have this website to myself, but it looks like Lucifer is butting in with his ‘anti-social media’ advice column. I apologize ahead of time for his snarky, dubious ‘guidance’. Just sayin’…

How did I somehow get wrapped up in Lucifer’s Dirty Laundry column? Here’s an excerpt from Lucifer’s Game which somewhat explains:)

The Internet ensnared me in its usual time suck. When I glanced at my watch, I was late. I found Lucifer sitting on a lobby couch, engrossed in an iPad. I plunked down next to him.
“Writing home to mom?” I queried.
He didn’t look up, still absorbed in reading. Finally he shook his head: “You people are so clueless. What would you do without me?”
“Say what?”
“People, they’re so conflicted about everything.”
“What are you talking about?”
He pushed back his tablet and stretched. “The last person I had a decent conversation with, like what we’ve been doing today, was from the deep South, a real southern belle.” In an Alabama drawl, he quipped, “‘Well now Lucifah, honey, why, ah do declare, yo style a’ reachin’ people is so yestahday. Y’all jus’ have ta get with the times, Sugah! Work smartah, not hardah! Y’all jus’ got ta get social.’ I had no idea what she was talking about, so she showed me this Facebook thing and walked me through how everyone is networking these days. Whoa! She definitely had a point. I saw how I needed to modernize. So, with her help, I took a stab at it, starting up my own online advice column. It’s called Dirty Laundry—Letters to Lucifer. It took off like a bat outta…you know. I get almost three million hits a day on this thing.” He glanced my way. “Is that a lot?”
“That’s impressive. Who writes to you? Give me some examples.”
“All right, here’s one I just responded to:

Dear Lucifer,

I work in business development for a Fortune 500 firm. I recently became privy to some top-secret inside information regarding a particular company we do business with. This info will very soon make their stock take a huge jump. I’m considering buying in early, as I can make a ton of money on the deal! On the other hand, my actions would be illegal. I’m a religious man and am agonizing over what to do. Should I refrain or just go for it?

Tempted in New Jersey

“So of course your advice was ‘Go for it!’ Right?”

Lucifer wore a look of insulted disdain. “My reply:”

Dear Tempted,

Damn, I really empathize with your dilemma. Tough call. My sug¬gestion to you is very simple. Hold everything! Instead of acting swiftly on this incredible financial opportunity apparently being wasted on you, my advice is to go out and buy a boot, preferably for the left foot, size 13 DD. Then I’ll come over, put it on and kick your ass around the block a few times to knock some sense into where your brains seem to be lodged. Being a religious man and all, you must have forgotten that all-important line: God helps those who help themselves. Jump on it, you imbecile!

Yours, Lucifer”
I rubbed my chin thoughtfully, “I like your sensitivity. Helpful, yet discreet. Encouraging, but with a light touch. Lovely.”
With a raised eyebrow he scrutinized me, searching my face for signs of sarcasm. I just blinked twice and smiled sweetly.

So, you see how it all got started. All I can say is…take his advice, do precisely the opposite and you should be fine! Jackson

Note from Lucifer:

Ahem… My dear readers, pay no attention to Jackson’s towering lack of enthusiasm for my sterling input. I’m here to help! Ma raison d’etre is to simply offer sound, valid encouragement from…shall we say…the darker side of the psyche, the Shadow realm that’s begging for a little fresh air. It’s stuffy down here in the unconscious! Now…you be the judge: