October 22, 2015  |   

Dear Lucifer,

I’m a professional athlete in a sport that shall remain unnamed. As jocks go, I’m pretty good. On a 1 to 10, I’d rank myself at a solid 7.

I’ve just been quietly approached by a man who’s offering to hook me up with a new, (highly illegal) ‘breakthrough’ performance-enhancing drug. Apparently, this high-powered pharmaceutical will make anabolic steroids ‘so yesterday’. Better still, it claims to be completely undetectable by the anti-doping tests that my sport is subject to. No traces! This P.E.D. has the potential to launch me into super-star status. In this sport, it’s said that ‘Winning isn’t everything…it’s the only thing’, so the pressure to excel is enormous. The ‘career window’ in my sport is very short. Within 4 years I’ll be retired, whether I want to be, or not. My time is ‘now’ and I’m highly tempted to get ‘juiced up’. I’ve never been one to ‘cheat’ before, so I thought I’d come to you to get some encouragement. Your feedback is appreciated.

A Jock, Itching For Stardom

Dear Jock Itch,

Ah yes… I’m well acquainted with your sport-that-shall-remain-unnamed. It’s beyond me how organized, idiotic head-banging can be of interest to anyone. But I digress…

So…you’ve come to me to give you the courage to start ‘cheating’. Do I have that right? Frankly, I’m insulted. Why would you automatically assume that I would be a big cheerleader for sneaking in an unfair competitive edge?

My advice to you, my Itching Jock…is simple. By all means, stay away from that drug. Why would you want to seriously enhance your performance? No, it’s a much smarter move to keep your career locked into a slightly-better-than-average, ho-hum level for the very short time you’re in the spotlight. Then, you can join the long list of mediocre athletes that have had their oh-so-brief ‘moment in the sun’ and then vanished off the stage; completely forgotten.

Having access to a totally undetectable ‘wonder boost’ that would catapult you into the kind of fame that you jocks dream of; being showered with hero-status, getting a huge renegotiated contract, let alone all those mega-endorsement deals, sounds sooo unappealing. Giving yourself a major competitive advantage to elevate your skill-sets high above an evenly-matched playing field that’s based solely on skill, training and talent? Ridiculous notion…

Tell you what… Soon, when you’re career is over and you’re all ‘washed up’, I’ll stop in some Saturday at your local Chevrolet dealership, where I’ll find you desperately trying to squeeze out the last ounce of your flickering celebrity status, such as it is… offering your unwanted autograph to customers who have already deleted you, and your average career, from their short-term memory bank.

Is that helpful?

Yours,

Lucifer